is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
