I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
