Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
