Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
