Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize