I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVEâ€
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