so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
