Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
