Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
