Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
