my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
only if we run a train.
done.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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