I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
