do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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