Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
