If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So vagazzling was a success
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
