dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
