Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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