I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
