I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
