he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
