omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
