worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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