True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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