so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Success! We fucked roommates!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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