Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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