Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
