I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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