New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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