just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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