Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize