oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
