Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize