Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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