If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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