it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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