Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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