I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If I die, sorry about rent.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
