Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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