I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
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