i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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