you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
