I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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