bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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