i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize