I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
