i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
