Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize