I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You are a genius and a whore.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
