Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
