I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize