I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
