Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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