I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
