He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
