i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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