if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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