The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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