Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
